Tuesday, September 8

Dr. Mum

I don't have a medical degree. The degree that I do have isn't even in science. However, I am an expert in all things (non-illegal) drug related. I keep my own "pharmacy" well stocked. Percocet, Tylenol 3, and all sorts of cold remedies are a must! At any given time, I can treat most problems presented to me by each member of my family.

The government has made things difficult for me. They have banned all cough and cold medicine for children under two years old. However, they forgot to ban children under the age of two from getting coughs and colds. I astutely noticed this loop-hole. Before the ban came into effect, I stocked up because I was pregnant with Sarah. Although the medicine had now since "expired" (I treat expiration dates as "Try to take this medicine before the set day, but go ahead and use it if it's expired. You'll live.), it still worked like a charm. This week, my stock had dwindled down to nothing and all three children were sick.

I did what every mother (who has a natural repulsion for authority) would do: I calculated how much of each drug was present in the infant cough and cold medicine. Then I calculated how much of the children's cough and cold medicine I could use to get the same dose. This worked like a charm... until Katie popped open the "Child-Proof" medicine cap and started handing out drugs to Sarah as well! Don't worry. I sought medical advice, Dan told Katie that too much medicine becomes "poison", and we hid all the medicine in my pharmacy. The next day, Sarah felt much better!

Yesterday, I was told that the government is banning all cough and cold medicine for children under the age of six! Come on! Of course, I immediately went to Walmart to purchase some magical elixir to cure cough and colds in preschoolers. I was too slow! They have already been removed from the shelf. No fears. My calculator and I have already gotten to work. I have figured out the correct doses of the medicine meant for 6-11 year olds that I can give to my toddler and preschoolers. At least, I hope it's the correct dose. My degree isn't in mathematics either.

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