Fancy Moi

Dan likes painting the walls in the house. He's not particularly good at it, unless you like the ceiling painted, too (I do not). He's also not particularly good at choosing paint colours. I learned that when he painted my tiny, windowless powder room "Holy Crap Blue" (yes, I believe that is  the official name).

Although, in all honesty, "Holy Crap Blue" is not as shocking as my cousin's bathroom, which he painted "WTF Orange".

Anyway, after Dan painted our living room, I strongly requested that he refrain from painting any more rooms in my house. That was about two years ago. For two years, Dan has been nagging and nagging me to let him paint another bathroom.

He wore me down.

I told Dan he could paint the bathroom, but I had to agree on the colour. I chose white (although I convinced him that it had a "rose undertone").

Dan  did a wonderful job. He primed the already white walls. And then he painted them white again. Simply beautiful. (Yes, I crack myself up).

But it was kind of ... boring.

Dan told me to leave the bathroom alone. He did not  want me to "fancy it up". Dan does not have the same approach to decor as I do. He likes classy things. He likes his rooms to look clean and modern and minimalistic. I like my house to look like a kindergarten classroom.

I promised to leave the bathroom alone, and Dan went to work.

Then I pulled out the paint.

How do you like the result?

Much better, eh?!

But the fun didn't end there, folks. We decided to fancy up the powder room, too!

"Cotton Candy Ice Cream" by Sarah

"A Bird in the Nest" by Katie (left)
"The Apple Tree" by Bethie

What did Dan say?

He was thrilled. Well, maybe not "thrilled", but he didn't take the paintings down...which wouldn't have been difficult considering I hung them up with thumb tacks.

The Great Debate

Both Katie and Bethie got to make super big splatter canvases during their birthday party. Originally, Dan and I had planned to hang the paintings in their bedroom. However, once we got the canvases home, I realised that they matched my decor perfectly (yes, Mum, there is a theme to my decorating: chaos!). I wanted them more prominently displayed.

I decided to hang the two canvases over the couch.

This did not go over well.

You see, years ago, Dan's brother gave us a black and white photograph that he had taken himself, enlarged, and framed.  It's quite a good photo. Love the photo. However, Dan hung the photo over the couch. Small photo, big couch. It looked stupid. And I've had to look at it for years.

Dan wanted his brother's photo to remain above the couch:

I want the canvases above the couch:

Guess who won?!

Note: Yes, I know, the photograph and paintings were all hung too high (and off center). But Dan is the one in charge of getting things to stick to the walls. I've learned that he does not appreciate constructive criticism, like "Holy cow! When is the flood expected to hit?!". You win some, you lose some.

Not Just a Hat

I asked Dan to take the children to the store and buy them each a new hat. I said that the hats had to be wide-brimmed. They must not be baseball caps. I wanted something pretty. I wanted something with a ribbon. I wanted a hat that would be appropriate in an Enid Blyton novel. The effect I'm going for is a little girl from 1920s England on holiday at the seaside. Something that would make old ladies stop me on the street and tell my how sweet my children are. Something classic.

Something like this:

But not quite so big:

So Dan loaded the children into the car and went out to buy hats.

This is what he bought:

Yippee ki-yay.

Wait. It gets worse.

Sarah got a conductor's hat. ALL ABOARD!

And this is why I was forced to revoke all of Dan's purchasing privileges.

Dan In Charge

Dan has a lot of good qualities. He's funny. He's clever. He's good with the kids. And he always has good intentions.

After my surgery, Dan decided that he was going to take 10 days off work to take care of me. He would do all the things he would normally do, and he would take over the things that I do. No problem, according to Dan, because I don't do very much anyway (rolling my eyes).

I knew that it was going to be difficult the morning I got home from my operation. Dan announced that Bethie was mad at me because the house was cold that morning when she woke up. I was a bit surprised because I hadn't been home the night before because I was being gutted. How could I be responsible? Dan said that when I had left for work on Tuesday morning, I had opened the windows ... and I never came home to close them. The temperature had dropped over night. Therefore, the house was cold. And it was my fault. It is rather unfortunate that the four other people that live in this house lack the ability to close a window when they get a little bit chilled.

Dan said that I could sit back and relax because he would do all of the cleaning. I popped into the laundry room and noticed that he had done two loads of his own laundry, and none for me or the children. At 7:30am, I said "Can you please wash some PJs for the children as they don't have anything clean to wear tonight?". I reminded him once or twice throughout the day. At bedtime, I said "Did you wash the children's PJs". Dan was most offended and said "Yes, I did!". I asked him where they were. He had just thrown them into the dryer. Again, this was my fault. I had only nagged him to wash the clothes, and I had completely neglected to nag him about drying the clothes. Sigh.

As it turns out, it is absolute agony watching Dan "clean" and "take care of the children". He's really not as competent as I had once thought. Also, he finds it to be exhausting. At one point, he had to go and have a nap leaving me to referee the children's constant fighting. Upon hearing that, my Mum came and kidnapped me. Thank God.

But Dan is awfully good to step it up and "take care" of things. Did you notice when I described some of Dan's good characteristics that I didn't say "empathetic"? Yeah, that was intentional.

Dan lacks empathy.

72 hours after my surgery, my husband looked at me with such concern in his eyes and said, "How do you feel?". I replied, "I hurt". And he said, "STILL?!". Yes, Dan, STILL!

The point is, too much "quality time" together is becoming too hard on our marriage. I got angry and shouted at Dan that I was going to get in my little red car and drive to my mother's. He said, "You can't". I thought he was saying that he wouldn't let me drive because I am still in quite some pain. I thought he was concerned about me, and all of the other drivers on the road. I thought he wanted me to stay because he now saw exactly how he has failed me, and wanted to make it right. Because he loves me. So I said, "Why not?" hoping to elicit all sorts of lovely compliments because it was clearly time for him to start laying it on thick.

My love, my protector, my care taker said to me, "Because I never bothered to renew your driver's license. You had surgery on your birthday so I didn't think there was any rush".

Three more days to go....

Mr. Photography Goes To School

Bethie won an award at school. Again. The first award was for "Trying Her Best". This one was for her wonderful writing ability. Katie is ticked off. She's keeping score. No worries, she wrote a note to the teacher informing her that Bethie has had 2 awards and Katie has had no awards. She would like the teacher to rectify this situation. Sigh.

I sent Dan to the school to watch Bethie receive her award. I asked him to take some photos because I am soooo proud of my child and soooo disappointed that I had to miss the awards ceremony.

Here are the results:

It's my fault, I know. I shouldn't have asked him to take pictures. I just set myself up for disappointment.

There was one picture that was salvageable. Here is my baby accepting her award. I am very, very proud of her.

My Photography Goes Out With the Children

I confess: I take a lot of pictures, especially of my children. Because they're so damn cute:

I'm not a very good photographer, so I feel the need to take lots of photos hoping that I will end up with several good ones in the end. Also, we have a digital camera so I can erase the ones that really suck. No extra charge.

Lucky me, I married Mr. Photography. He doesn't need to waste lots of time taking pictures. Because he's so good, the first shot is typically the best shot, and it is the only shot he takes. Lucky, lucky me.

Dan took the children to see Disney On Ice. They were super excited. I was, too, because this was obviously an excellent occasion to take some snaps of the children. I charged the camera battery, cleared the memory stick, and gave the camera to Dan. Since I wasn't able to go too, I asked him to take lots of photos.

Dan came home and told me all the cute things that the children did. I was thrilled! I asked him how many photos his took. He replied, "Seventeen".

Seventeen?! Before the show started?

Nope. Just seventeen. In total.

I downloaded the camera. There were five pictures of the children:

Katie with her eyes CLOSED

Katie looking PAINED

The diaper bag and the twinnies

Sarah sucking her thumb

Dan's finger and a weird shot of Sarah

And then twelve shots like this:

A blurry image of Mickey and Minnie skating AWAY

Oh look, another blurry image of them ... but at least it's not their backside.

The ice, Goofy, and some legs

I have absolutely no idea

I was really upset. And disappointed. I wanted pictures of the children having a lovely time. I wasn't particularly interested in the skaters. I expressed all of these feelings to Dan, and I think he kind of felt badly.

The next day, the twinnies went to a birthday party at place that had lots of slides and tubes and fun things to do. Dan took them while I entertained Sarah. Know where this is heading, Ladies?

When Dan got home, I asked to see the photos from the birthday party.

Ta da:












HE DIDN'T TAKE ANY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why?

Because the twins had been to this place TWO YEARS AGO and why on Earth would we need photos of a place that they've already been to?

Because, dear sweet Dan, I want pictures of THE CHILDREN and not of the gym. Because THEY LOOK DIFFERENT. And THEY WERE HAVING FUN. And ... JUST DO IT!

I think that from now on I should give him a quota.

A New Year...

Sarah is sick. Dan is wicked sick. I had asked Dan to stay home from work today, and go to the doctor's instead. He said that he couldn't possibly do so. Work would fall to pieces without him there. I rolled my eyes and sent Mr. Important off to work.

By dinner time, Dan realised that he was quite sick. Although I had bought him some over-the-counter meds, he said "What I would really like is some honey...". Ahhh! It was 5pm. On New Year's Eve. I had to hurry!!!

I quickly ordered a pizza. From a new place (because our regular pizza place was closed). I decided to pick up the pizza because I could go to the grocery store first and then get the pizza.

I jumped in my car and raced to the grocery store. 5:05pm. The grocery store was closed. CRAP! I raced to the only other grocery store in my small community. Yup, it was closed, too. I gave up on the honey, and headed to the pizza place.

I walked into the pizza place and gave my name. They looked at me blankly. I gave my phone number, and they said that there was no order for me. They asked me if I had ordered the pizza from them. Duh. Of course I had! This was "2 for 1 Pizza"...right? Nope, the guy replied, this was "Pizza la Difference". To which I replied, "It says 2 for 1 Pizza on the window". The guy practically rolled his eyes at me and said "That's our deal. Did you order from 1 For 1 Pizza?". CRAP! Not only had I gone to the wrong pizza place, but I had ordered my pizza from the stupidest pizza place ever! How can 1 For 1 Pizza be a good deal?! Who came up with that name?

I asked for directions to 1 For 1 Pizza. The guy waved across the street and said "It's next to the pharmacy". How lucky! I could pop into the pharmacy (please, God, let it be open!) and see if they have any honey for Dan.

I drove to the pharmacy and looked around. No 1 For 1 Pizza. Oh well, I will go in and ask the cashier.

I couldn't find any honey so I asked a sales associate. She said "The honey is over here". YAY! "But we seem to be sold out of honey". CRAP!

While I was at the pharmacy, I bought another $20 worth of cough drops, sprays, and Neo Citron for my husband. Because I love him. And it sucks being sick. At the cash, I asked where the 1 For 1 Pizza is located. The cashier said "Next to the pharmacy".

"Ummmm..." I replied "We're in the pharmacy".

"No, no. The big pharmacy. Down the road". The "big" pharmacy? I have lived in this tiny community for four years. Yes, I admit, I try not to mix with the locals. But there are two pharmacies here? And I have been going to the small one for all these years. CRAP!

Back in the car, it occurred to me that I could go into the "big pharmacy" and see if they had any honey. I drove there. The pharmacy was closed. I have to admit, so far, I'm not super impressed with the "big pharmacy".

I got the pizza and went home. I broke the news to Dan about the honey, and showed him all the new meds I got for him. He said I shouldn't have. Perfect. I went out of my way to make his life better and this annoyed him. Whatever. He's sick and cranky. I will let it slide...

After dinner, Dan wanted me to spray some of the new stuff in his throat. He opened his mouth, I had a look, and I said "You have strep throat". He said "How do you know?". I replied "I can see it". He said "No worries, I can call the clinic and they can call the antibiotics in to the pharmacy". Right. On New Year's Eve. After everything has closed. His next shot at seeing a doctor is not for two days. CRAP CRAP CRAP!

Turns out that I horde prescription medicine. I like to have penicillin, Percocet, and morphine on hand. I'm funny like that. Anyway, I cracked open my secret stash, and offered him up some antibiotics...on the condition that he goes to the clinic on Sunday and pays me back!

Dan was annoyed that I had antibiotics (despite it coming in handy, I might add!). I told him that I had been saving them and, in fact, was going to start taking them tonight. He asked what was wrong with me. I replied "I have had a raging ear infection for four days. It feels like someone is pushing a dull knife in and out of my right ear. My left ear is completely blocked. I haven't been able to hear anything in that ear for about 36 hours. I have an infection in my sinuses and my throat is starting to hurt. And, I have a tooth ache."

Dan was shocked. He asked "Why haven't you said anything?!". I had said something, but no one listened. What more could I do? He said "But you've been rushing about, taking care of the kids, and doing all sorts of fun things with them". Yup. Life continues, even when I feel awful. Shocking.

So, I threw the kids in bed, and sent Dan to bed shortly thereafter. I sat on the couch and thought of my grandmother. She once said to me "Begin the New Year in the same manner you wish for it to continue"...or words to that effect.

Sigh. I am beginning the New Year with three smelly kids (I was too sick to bathe them tonight...I'll do it in the morning). Dan is sick. Sarah is sick. I suspect that Katie is getting sick too. I'm watching TV alone. Happy New Year. Please may it not continue like this!

The Grocery List

I went to the grocery store yesterday. Actually, I went to four grocery stores, but that is a whole different story. Anyway, before I left to do the shop, I asked Dan if there was anything he wanted. Dan started naming a bunch of things. I asked him to make a list.

Dan gave it some thought, and then sat down and wrote the grocery list. Because he loves me. Because he wanted to help.

Dan handed me the list. I read it, put it down, and went to get the camera.

Dan asked, "Why are you getting the camera? Are you going to put my grocery list on your blog?".

Yes.

Why?

This was his list:

First, we'll ignore the spelling mistakes. Really, Apple should come out with an app for that. Or Microsoft should create a pen that has a preemptive spell check. Until then, we must suffer through spelling mistakes because we all make them!

Second, Dan wrote down 10 items before he even thought of what the children would need. And what would our offspring need? "School snacks". What did you have in mind, Danny? Anything in particular or shall I just "wing it"?

Did you read the next column?

Here's a close-up:

Dan, while thinking about what we need for the week, thought "Breakfast. Lunch. Dinner" and then wrote that down. You half expect him to write "x7". He didn't. I guess he thought that would occur to me without him having to write it down. Unlike "Breakfast. Lunch. Dinner." The half-wit he married needs specific instructions. Not specific like "chicken, pork, beef". He doesn't want to insult me. But more specific than "Food".

Sigh. One of us is an idiot. And he thinks it's me...