Thursday, December 30

The Real Me

I've become disenchanted with social media. Well, not Facebook because mostly I just write wicked funny things to amuse my brother. And that has some real value for me. But Twitter is killing me. Most blogs annoy me, too. Why? Because I seem to be "friends" with women who are perfect.

These women love their children...all the time. They think their husbands are simply wonderful. The have lovely homes, and time to focus on cleaning and decorating those homes. I read this stuff, and take a look around.  My life is wonderful, but far from perfect.

I don't want to be perceived like that. Like I think I'm perfect. Because I'm not. I have surrounded myself with friends who are far from perfect, and I find that it's their idiosyncrasies that make them worth knowing. So, I have decided to share some of mine:

  1. I read. A lot. And when I say "a lot", I mean more than any other person I know. I read non-fiction. I like learning about all types of things. Things that I would never have any use for. Because of all of this reading, I have a lot of useless information stored in my brain. My friends just love it when I wow them with whatever I have learned. When asked, "How do you know that?", I roll my eyes and say "It's common knowledge. How come you don't know this?". And they love me for it.
  2. I get my books from the library, but I don't have a library card. Because I technically don't live in the City of Ottawa, I would have to pay $50 to have a library card. I'm too cheap to do this, so I "borrow" a card. When the owner of the card wants to take out a book, I get annoyed and say "Just tell the librarian that you forgot your card, and show them some ID". Then this person calls me and says "I showed my ID and they made me pay your late fees!". Oops.
  3. I use Lysol. And Vim. And Mr. Clean. And CLR. Because they work. In fact, I don't think I have ever purchased any "green" products. Truthfully, I don't intend to. Want to hear the worst bit? I have hospital wipes that are meant to be used to sterilize surfaces (and are only meant to be used in health-care settings)...and I use them! I know, I know, everyone is against using these types of household cleaners. And that's why I don't tell them about my love affair with Febreeze. In my house, "Febreeze" is a verb, as in "Oh my God, just Febreeze the children!".
  4. I don't like people. No, not all people. Just the vast majority of people that I have to come into contact with. It's kind of funny because most people like me. They look for me. They want to talk to me. They want to be my friend. And that's very sweet of them. But, unless you can make me laugh (and laughing at you doesn't count), then I really can't be bothered...
  5. I can't remember things. I used to have a very good memory, but then I had kids, and the ability to remember things was destroyed. People have had lengthy conversations with me, and I have absolutely no memory of them. It's like it never happened. On the flip side, the situations that I do remember, I remember them very clearly. It's odd.
  6. I have two pairs of shoes. Two. I have my regular old black shoes, and I have my $10 Walmart sandals. The sandals fell apart this summer. I taped them back up with electrical tape. My mother was horrified.
  7. I love my children. Passionately. Completely. With every fibre of my being. But I don't always like them...mostly because they have plotted to kill me. Kidding! They would be content if I was simply shipped off to the Looney Bin.
  8. My husband is a good man and an excellent father. Having said that, he makes me swear. A lot. I don't think it's physically possible to live with the man and not say "What the f@ck?!" at least 3 times a day. I think he intentionally dreams up ways to harass my sanity.
  9. I have a super human skill. Ready for it? I have the ability to get red vomit out of white carpet. Not impressed? I can do it at 3am. In the dark! I know, you're green with envy.
  10. It's all about me. I tell people this, and they laugh. They think I'm kidding. Or exaggerating. But I'm not. I've tried to work on this, but have not been successful. I have decided to "accept the things I cannot change".
And that's the "real" me. Obviously, not all of me. But enough for you to understand where I'm coming from.


Bibliomama said...

Well obviously I'm assuming you like me. Because I'm so obviously, vocally, embarrassingly not-perfect. And I make you laugh -- oh wait, you said not at me. Well now I don't know WHAT to think. I hope you're satisfied.

Gwen said...

LOL! I like you EVEN THOUGH I (sometimes) laugh at your expense. But you really are funny, so it's kinda your fault!

Alicia said...

You make my laugh...maybe someday I'll make you laugh. I LOVE this post. My blog is new happy little world, but I promise to break out some juicy stuff eventually :)

Gwen said...

Alicia - as you know, I read EVERY ONE of your posts. I adore your "happy little world". I'm glad that I make you laugh. Please remember that when I show up at your house for dinner (I can't tell you which day because you SKIPPED THIS WEEK"S post!!!!).

Mum said...

Well! - enough with all this laughing! I am the horrified mother who is truly mortified with my daughter's footwear! Really - Walmart sandels held together with duct tape! She's not kidding!

I am also the owner of a library card. The last time I got a book our of the library I had to pay $5for a LOST card plus another $15 in late charges! Laugh laugh laugh!

Its "all about me" Yes she's right! I love my daughter, probably as much as she loves hers, BUT - I'm old and exhasuted and while all you readers out there say what a wonderful mother she is (true) she has a lacky behind the scenes getting sucked into 25 days of Christmas! blow up Christmas ornaments!eat pasta every night for a week cause I'm making lanterns and I need the jars! we're out of food and we're coming for lunch - is it OK if we stay for supper too!the twinnies have a hole in their dress, leggings, shirt can you just mend it while we eat! I need 5 batches of fudge to make marvellous Christmas gifts!

Yes my darling - its all about you and I love every minute of it!
Love from your elderly, handicapped Mother!

Gwen said...

Mum. I only asked you to make TWO batches of fudge...and only RECEIVED two batches of fudge. What happen to the other THREE batches, well, I won't say... :)

They say it takes a village to raise a family. I beg to differ. It takes me and you...and a little bit of Dan (he "babysits" when I am allowed out once a week!).

allison said...

Hey, your Mom is funny too.

Gwen said...

LOL! She's dead serious, which only makes her funnier!

Alicia said...

Your Mom makes me laugh too...I wish I lived close to my Mom :)

Lisa said...

Gwen...I love your Mum...she is the quintessential super mom, as let's face it...she puts up with you! LOL
*sigh* it really is all about you as you sucked everyone into reading 10 "Things you didn't know about me" bits and not one mentioned me...well I am number 11.
11. I have a wonderful, witty and clever friend who keeps me sane.
That's right...I am delusional enough to think it's a little about me...sometimes...well every now and then...okay occasionally...once a year...fine It really is ALL about you!!