Wednesday, October 13

My School Rant

Dear Principal of the Twins Little School,

I haven't sent my children to school with a letter for you in about a month. Not because I have nothing to say or I respect that you have far more important things to do than to read about my "worries", but because I was afraid that at some point, you would shoot the postman. In this case, the "postmen" are my little girls. So, I've eased up.

However, I see that you have struggled without my guidance.

I apologize.

I saw hints of this struggle when I got a newsletter home from school asking me to ante up $20 (TWENTY!!!) for pizza days. Really?! That's a lot of pizza for two five year old girls! I send my little angels to school with a piece of fruit, a sandwich, some cheese and crackers, and some juice. And food comes home in their lunch box! This pizza must be tiny or gourmet or something. What's the name of the place you get it? "1 for 1 Pizza". Sounds like a good deal.

Oh! Before we get off the topic, thanks for the 12 hours notice that I need to ante up $20. Love, love, love the midnight dashes to the ATM!

In the same newsletter, you invited me to a "Home and School meeting", a Board of Directors meeting, a movie night on Friday, and to a couple of assemblies. On top of that, you have asked me to volunteer for all sorts of activities. Really? I kinda get the impression that you want me to be more involved, but the last time I showed up at your school when I was invited, I was the only parent there. And, you seemed sort of surprised to see me.  Imagine what a dork I felt like sitting all by myself at the front of the gym and having every child and every teacher stare at me for the duration of the assembly. Therefore, I am going to decline those invitations. You understand.

I have been given lectures via newsletters about how I should save the planet, recycle, and NO MATTER WHAT ensure that my children are sent to school with a "litterless lunch". After I googled "litterless lunch" and figured out what you were talking about, I complied. My little cherubs have "gone green", despite the fact that they are losing weight because they cannot open their "litterless lunch" (I shall cc you on my letter to Rubbermaid). Too bad, I say, we must all suffer if we are going to save Mother Earth.

Well, Mother Gwen is a bit ticked. I have banned juice boxes, plastic wrap, disposable utensils, and brown paper bags. I have sought out "green" alternatives. Just as you have suggested. In the 500 newsletters you have sent home in the last month. In duplicate. I was informed that the oldest sibling at the school gets the newsletters so as not to waste natural resources. How come I still get two of everything? Is it because my kids are in the same class and being identical twins leaves some room for confusion as to whether or not they will both be returning to the same house? Or is it because you are not sure which twin is older (Bethie, but only by a minute), so you just give newsletters to each of them thinking I'll sort it out at home? No, really. This might sound like I am being snarky, but I am dead keen to understand.

But that's not why I am writing to you. I am writing to you because you sent home a letter yesterday, in duplicate, saying, "There are currently cases of impetigo in your child's class. This infection often appears on the face, particularly around the nose and mouth. It presents with small purulent lesions that become encrusted."

Ummm...what did you think my reaction to this would be?

I went crazy. This is the kind of thing that I would like to know before my children have spent all day with sickly, "encrusted" children. Also, I have some follow up questions:
  1. You referred to "cases". How many cases are there? 2? 18? Makes a big difference.
  2. Are the little encrusted darlings been held out of school?
  3. When did the "lesions" first appear? Today? 6 days ago?
The letter goes on to say, "If you notice lesions on your child's skin, we ask that you consult a doctor". Golly, really? Thank goodness this letter was sent home. Normally, we just let "lesions" fester, hoping and praying that they'll go away all by themselves.

At the end of the letter, it reads, "N.B. If you consult a doctor, bring this letter with you". Okay. Will do. Because if my child has oozing facial lesions, I may forget to mention to the doctor that impetigo is going around my child's class. Or, the doctor may not believe me. In which case, this letter, on school letterhead (!), will come in very helpful!

Looking forward to the next newsletter(s)!


P.S. If you are going to send home notes telling me that the school has been infected with impetigo, please let the school secretary know. When I called this morning, she was unaware of the situation, and asked me "if I was kidding". Which lead me to think, 1) do parents commonly call up and make jokes about contagious diseases?, and 2) was I really the only parent who had follow up questions?


Bibliomama said...

*unladylike snort*. In fact, I spent three hours standing around feeling about as useful as t*ts on a bull at the cross country meet today. Oh well, it was a nice day for it. I've given up on the litterless lunch. I just tell my kids to bring the litter home and tell their teacher their mother doesn't love the planet if she gives them grief. And I'm not buying any damned magazines, either -- guess they don't care how many trees have to die for their soulless fundraising campaign. Maybe I should ask if they can provide 'paperless magazines'.

Gwen said...

LOL! Finally! Someone who is on the same page (ha ha) as I am!

Double the Giggles said...

Love this letter and your knack for the use of sarcasm!