This year, I'm really going to try my best. I've given it a lot of thought, and I have come up with my Six Easy Steps to Achieving Super Mum Status. I'm quite confident that these guidelines will ensure success.
- When the children are hungry, feed them. Better yet, anticipate that they will need three meals a day, and two (preferably) healthy snacks. It is not sufficient to roll your eyes and say "Oh my God, you want to eat again?!", and then instruct them to go and get a piece of bread and try to convince them that it's a "Bread Sandwich".
- Stop referring to your children as "the animals", as in "I have to go and put the animals to bed". "Heathens" and "spawns" are also inappropriate. They are you beloved darlings. Try to remember that.
- Expand your vocabulary, Hot Shot. While the effort to curb your swearing has been appreciated and noted, you sound like you have a speech impediment when you are "disciplining" your children. For instance, this is what you sound like "Katie! Bethie! Sarah! Oh my G... (pause)...Who are you??? What the...(pause)...? How the...(pause)...? Are you..(pause)...KIDDING me????". You have a degree in English. Use it.
- Put you babies to bed by first reading them a story and then drowning them in hugs and kisses. Good mothers do not stand at the bottom of the stairs and shout "If you don't go to bed right now, then the Sand Man is going to get you!".
- Biting is not allowed. Regardless of how cute those naked bottoms look racing up the stairs, do not bite. First of all, your biting encourages the children to bite each other. Second, but far worse, the children will bite you back. Hard. It's not worth it. A little smacky smack is sufficient.
- When your children misbehave in public, discipline them firmly but gently. Do not pretend that they are not your children. Especially if your child has striped herself of all clothing and is running naked through a crowded park. Do not tell your children that you are going to drop them off at the fire department on the way home. And never turn to an elderly lady and say with such concern in your voice, "Where could this child's mother be?". It upsets others.