Nice 'n' WHAT?

I dyed my hair today. Normally, I would go to a salon. However, spending the same amount of money that I could use to buy of 5 cases of Similac just to change the colour of my hair is offensive to me right now. Instead, I bought Nice 'n' Easy.

This is how the instructions should read:

1. All of us at Nice 'n' Easy acknowledge that your intelligence far surpasses our own and that instructions are only necessary for those who lack "common sense". Having said that, read and follow all of our instructions prior to dying your hair. We've done this before - you haven't.
2. Open a window before using our product. Hair dye is a chemical that will burn your eyes, constrict your lungs, and bring you to your knees 3.5 seconds after mixing the dye. Trust us, you're not that tough.
3. If you choose to strip half-naked instead of using an old towel to protect your clothes, close all the blinds upstairs first. Otherwise, you will be confined to the bathroom for the next thirty minutes. You will feel compelled to clean. You will also feeling a little bit like you were tricked into cleaning.
4. The term "stubborn grey hair" is only used to make you second guess yourself for the duration of the dying time. It amuses all of us at Nice 'n' Easy to envision you trying to determine if you hair is stubborn. Grey is grey, dummy.
5. You may get bored halfway through the dying process, especially if you have long hair. Fight this feeling. Otherwise, you will have "mixed results" (and your husband will say "You missed a spot").
6. After you wash the dye out of your hair, you must leave our enclosed conditioner in your hair for 2 minutes. Bring the cleaning supplies into the shower with you. You might as well clean that too as two minutes lasts longer than you think. As a friendly reminder, we advise that you use the conditioner once a week for 6 weeks. However, we only gave you enough to last for 2. More can be bought separately at an enormously expensive rate.
7. The colour of you hair may or may not be the same as that indicated on the box. Surprise! Don't worry, your husband won't notice anyway.